What Would Max (and Scarlett) Do?
by The Sarcasm Master
Summary: The foolproof guide to the domination of your own world (and eventually the WHOLE WORLD), brought to you by Max and Scarlett.
1. Parties

Now, for those of you who don't know who I am, I just want to say one thing.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM? HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK OR SOMETHING? BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I CAN THINK OF THAT YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF ME, THE GREAT MAX, WHO SCORED FIFTH PLACE ON TOTAL DRAMA PAHKITEW ISLAND! GO WATCH IT RIGHT NOW TO SEE HOW UTTERLY DIABOLICALLY EVIL I AM, AND _THEN _COME BACK AND SEE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY YOU USELESS MORONS!

But for those of you who _do_ know who I am, welcome! You must have undoubtedly heard of my magnificent power and stunning good looks, and seeing the title of "What Would Max Do?" must have let you know that this was indeed a book of undeniable importance. "But what is this?" you might ask. "Why should I care? What's in it for me?"

Well, allow me to explain. I live a happy and evil life, but it seems as others seem to be preoccupied with some of the less important things in life, including makeup, sports, reading, video games, zombies, zombie video games, high school, careers, depression, AIDS, ALS, whatever-the-hell-the-Koreans-are-doing, suicide, nuclear warfare, the economic collapse, and acne.

The reason I'M here is to show you the key to defeating all the social and physical problems you may be having in your life in a full-proof manual that you can print out and carry around with you. This advice is indisputably RIGHT. And if you find that this advice does NOT help you, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. NONE OF IT IS MY FAULT. IT IS ALL ON YOUR END, STINKY.

And if by SOME inconceivable prospect you should manage to defeat my arguments, my sidekick, I mean, _partner _Scarlett will be providing what SHE would do in the same situation (hint, my opinion is better). SO IF BOTH OF OUR VIEWPOINTS YOU SAY ARE "WRONG," THEN WE GET TO "WRONG" YOUR FACE OFF.

_Max, that didn't make any sense._

Shut up, you! Okay, now that we've been introduced to my devilishly handsome self, let us begin with our first topic of choice so that you can RULE YOUR SOCIAL WORLD! BWA HA HA!

...

...

...you know what, it's not as much fun to type it as opposed to saying it out loud.

_Perhaps that would have to do with the fact that your fingers are too stubby and large for the keys? Just a thought._

...

...let's just start, shall we?

* * *

**Chapter 1: Parties!**

Now, for a social master such as myself, parties are a cinch to attend. Everyone there loves me! But for all of you socially awkward freaks who can never look anyone else in the eye, here's what I have to offer you.

You're a freak of nature that should never ever ever be seen near me ever again. Get a life, hippy!

...

...

Anyway, there is a simple and foolproof way to get into a party that you're not invited to (I'm assuming you asocial beasts are never invited to these parties. _I _am invited. I'm so popular I ran for Class President and got second place! AND IT WASN'T JUST BECAUSE THERE WERE ONLY TWO CANDIDATES!).

Step 1: Knock on their door and demand that they give you access to this party or else you'll disintegrate them with the evil contraption that you brought along.

Step 2: They will be rendered speechless by your overtures, and they will fall on the ground laughing in pain, and will grant you access. Obviously your presence was so terrifying that they were sent into hysterics! Mwa ha ha!

Step 3: Announce yourself the ruler of the party, and attempt to unseat the host from his lofty throne. Remember, YOU'RE in control, no matter what they say.

Now, Step 3 has never worked for me in anything but theory, but I'm sure it's possible. Now, moving on to what you actually do when you're INSIDE the party. Now, evil overlord as you are, you are charming and intelligent, and capable of making people laugh. I'm so intelligent and charming, people at parties laugh at everything I say! I even performed standup comedy once!

Making people laugh just by being yourself is incredibly easy if you're a villain of my caliber, so if it isn't working then YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

Now, once you have the whole room in your comedic clutches, be sure to indulge a little in food and drink, but not enough to dull your senses. You need to be alert at all times in case someone tries to ambush you, and the hangover in the morning SUCKS!

Be sure to talk to people about shared interests, and don't be discouraged if they don't share the same world-conquering ambition you possess. I was friends with Scarlett before I knew she had the same goal! But if possible try to open their minds to the possibility of having them as a minion or a business partner. It pays to have connections in the long run.

Be sure not to wear out your welcome, as too much EVIL in one dosage can overwhelm some people. That being said, learn the contact information of the friends you've made so that you can call upon them sometime in the future.

Always be back by your bedtime if you still live with your parents. A good night's rest is important for the amount of evil you can produce the next day.

Well, that's all the advice I have to offer, now let's turn it over to the lesser opinion-giver, Scarlett.

* * *

_For those of you who do not know me, my name is Scarlett from Total Drama: Pahkitew Island. I placed sixth and was only eliminated for the reason of attempting to kill all of the remaining contestants. There was no vote involved. Sadly, I am stuck with this imbecile as the only person who will talk to me, so I might as well provide an alternative way of putting yourself out there._

_Parties I generally find to be a waste of time if there is no alcohol involved. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's begin with how you enter._

_Obtain actual permission to enter the party. Don't do what Max said. If they choose not to let you in, bring a six-pack of beer and their minuscule minds should be changed in a nanosecond. Be amicable and polite to all those in attendance._

_If you are of the female persuasion and find yourself being hit on by an unwarranted follower, do not call for help. People experience what is known as "bystander syndrome." Often, crimes are committed in the presence of witnesses, but said witnesses view it as "not their problem." Do not rely on anyone else's help._

_Instead, pretend you're interested in the creep and lure him outside to the nearest alleyway for a supposed makeout session. Instead, stab him to death with your knife that you keep concealed on your persona, and feel free to do whatever you choose with the body. Be sure to act convincingly for the others, playing the victim will divert attention from the fact that you were the killer._

_That being said, you can easily pay off the cops if you ARE caught._

_If there is no incident involving an undesirable attempting to hit on you, then simply walk around and soak in your surroundings._

_Now, you might find that parties get a little boring after a while. There are a few ways to keep things interesting for yourself._

_Talk to some people, get to know them, and challenge them to a drinking competition. With luck, they're probably already drunk enough that they won't notice that you're not drinking yours at all. Keep going and press them to keep drinking, and then once they've reached their limit offer to escort them to their car and put them in the driver's seat._

_If the next day shows a report of a drunk driver veering off a cliff and drowning, mission accomplished._

_Sadly, that is all the advice I can give on this particular topic. If you choose to kill someone in one of the ways listed, try not to get caught. Take the necessary precautions beforehand. I don't particularly want you to appear on my TV screen in court and having you say "Scarlett from Total Drama told me how to do it."_

_Then I would have to make a personal visit._

_And I assure you, you don't want that._

* * *

And so goes the first entry in the manual! Pst, remember, mine is the better one! We will be updating this to show you exactly how to rule your own life, and then, eventually, THE WORLD!

Until next time, doofuses.


	2. Pets

I'm back, goobers. Hope you all weren't too depressed by my absence. This guide is not exactly my number one priority right now (you get one guess as to what it is), and I can't be expected to update it all the time. Just be grateful you're getting it at all, and that your advice is coming directly from my lips and not, say, Dave's. Or Shawn's. Or pretty much any of those fools I had to spend my time with on that show.

So because this guide is not exactly my number one priority, I haven't really thought too hard about what topic I am to be doing next. Which probably means I should have thought of that before I started typing. Scarlett, can you help me out a bit? Do you have any ideas?

_The evil genius asks his humble sidekick for ideas. How quaint._

Don't use that new-fangled language on me, Scarlett. You know I'm not fluent in it.

_Yes. I can't really determine whether you not understanding Sarcasm is a good or bad thing._

You know, I never really understood why Sarcasm is a different language. It's the same language just with different tones! And what country even speaks that anyway? Sarcania? Sarcasmia? And in that case, wouldn't it be "Sarkish" or "Sarcese" as opposed to "Sarcasm?" It doesn't make any sense!

_...dear God you're an idiot._

Let's move on to the topic. Do you have any ideas?

_How about the best way to torture flies, ants, ladybugs, or daddy long-legs? I have an entire kit devoted to the subject._

...you know what, never mind. I'm never asking you for ideas again. And not just because my evilness needs to vomit now.

Let's do something harmless, like taking care of a pet. That shouldn't end up too bad.

* * *

Now, if you are a cat owner, I am going to ask you one question.

WHY?

THEY DON'T DO WHAT THEY'RE TOLD. THEY DON'T PLAY FETCH. AND THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING YOU SAY.

Seriously. How is an evil overlord supposed to control an animal that...cannot...be controlled? I'm sorry, my mind went blank on that one. It's a rare occurrence, I assure you.

_Cough._

Shut up. Anyway, if you are a cat owner you should go roll in a litter box or something. The only use I have for cats is with the laser pointer. You can easily create minions out of them even without the use of a fashionable evil-inducing hat that my genius created during the span of Total Drama: Pahkitew Island. That is pretty much the only practical use for a cat.

Ooh, that reminds me of a joke!

What's warm and fuzzy?

A CAT IN A MICROWAVE, MWA HA HA HA!

I am such a genius.

And I definitely came up with that joke right now. I definitely didn't steal it from anybody. 1000% original work, courtesy of your kind and generous evil overlord Max.

Anyway, moving onto dogs. Dogs are infinitely better than cats for a number of reasons.

1. They're dumb. And loyal. They will follow you to the end as a loyal minion and won't turn crazy and try to kill you out of absolutely flipping nowhere. And they definitely won't sound like a dying cat screeching around while doing so. *cough* Scarlett *cough*

2. If you get something like a pit bull, doberman, or Great Dane, those would probably be the most practical usage of a dog. But my supreme-evil pet of choice must go to the pug. Why? AWWWW, LOOK AT THAT SQUASHED LITTLE FACE! IT'S SO ADORABLE! HOW COULD ANYONE NOT LOVE IT? They're fat, lazy, and useless though. I keep him around mainly to scratch him behind the ears and feed him.

_Do you ever feel a sort of kinsmanship between you and your pug?_

Shut up, you.

Anyway, you should take care of your dog (remember, preferably a pug) with great care. Be sure to pamper them if they've been supremely evil lately. Have a system that works. Personally, I have badges for every day that show how evil he's been and therefore how much he will be cared for. The system goes like this. 1 is the most pampered, 5 is the least.

1. SUPREMELY EVIL!

2. MEAN SPIRITED!

3. JUST TOO LAZY TO DO ANYTHING!

4. AMICABLE!

5. YOU ROTTEN DO-GOODER, WHY?

Generally, Freckles (the name came to me in a burst of evil inspiration) averages somewhere around the 3 or 4 range, but one day he sat down and falling asleep on the sidewalk and ended up causing a biker to swerve and crash into a fire hydrant. He got a concussion.

For the next week, Freckles had bones, toys, and sweets galore.

A reward system is a good idea. Don't bother with tricks unless you want a dog that's smarter than you are.

_Don't you think "Max" sounds like a good dog name?_

FOR THE LAST TIME, SHUT UP! Anyway, I'm too lazy to come up with anything else so I'm going to turn this over to Scarlett now.

* * *

_I've never liked animals. At least, as company. When I was eight my mom brought a stray cat home and said we were going to keep it. She left for a few errands and when she came back she seemed rather distressed that the animal was dead and I was dissecting it for analysis. _

_That was around the point that they sent me to psychological counseling._

_I find both cats and dogs to be mostly useless while alive, but I do have some tips as to how to deal with them._

_I do not have a good relationship with cats. I am allergic. One of my schoolmates used to bully me by shoving his cat in my face. If someone you know is preying on your allergies, feel free to hit them where it hurts._

_I ended up strapping C4 to his cat and aimed a laser pointer at his gas line._

_Ah, good times._

_Using cats as suicide bombers is really the only practical source I have for them, but dissecting them in the name of science is fine too._

_As for dogs, I find them slightly more bearable than cats, mainly because I am not allergic to them. They are interesting psychologically, and I enjoyed messing around with my cousin's German Shepherd, figuring out what made it tick. In an experiment, I would dangle food out of its reach while it was trapped in a cage, and observe its response. Eventually I taught it how to bite. Right before my cousins were having company._

_Suffice it to say that there were a lot of bloody ankles that night._

_Essentially, my advice is to use the dog or cat to suit your own purposes. I do not understand those who bond with their animals. Why befriend a creature that lives only a fraction of your lifetime, defecates in your house, costs money, and eventually dies?_

_That is why my preferred pet is a turtle._

_That is all I have to offer on the subject matter._

* * *

Scarlett, you're kind of freaking me out. To all those who may be reading this, I am not endorsing animal cruelty. HOW COULD ANYONE BE CRUEL TO ANIMALS, *AHEM*, SCARLETT?

That being said, if you take Scarlett's advice...please just don't.

And don't you dare try to kill Freckles. I. Will. Burn. You.

That's all, suckers. This is Max and Scarlett, signing off!


	3. Halloween

Welcome back once again. Due to events of an unforeseen occurrence, I was unable to get back to my vast array of loyal readers. I do apologize for this. Now, of course, having seen that this story has updated, you have probably all squealed with delight and are itching for me to dispense my golden wisdom, and of course Scarlett's silver wisdom as well, although that is obviously less important.

The events which led to my month-long hiatus, I do not wish to discuss, and neither does Scarlett, which is why we're going to cut right to the chase. So, considering that Halloween is coming up, what better topic is there for this guide?

_Wasn't the topic going to be "asking someone out" because you wanted to get this out around the time of Homecoming?_

Yes, but there are a couple of reasons why that didn't happen.

1. I didn't have time, what with the...shenanigans that occurred.

2. I don't trust your idea of "asking someone out."

_Seriously? Why would you not trust my thoughts on something as simple as that? _

Dogs are simple. Cats are simple. Look what you managed to do there!

Plus, I'm fairly certain your idea of asking someone out would be as follows:

*ahem*

"Blood is red,

Asphyxiated corpses are blue,

I murdered your cat,

And I'll kill you too."

_..._

_..._

_..._

* * *

**Chapter 3: Halloween!**

I LOVE Halloween! It is my favorite holiday of the year! You get to look as utterly, superbly, diabolically EEEEEEVIIIIIL as you wish and no one will bat an eye! Every year I change my house into the MACABRE HAUNTED HOUSE OF DEATH AND PAIN...which has the following rooms that you should adhere to.

1. The TORTURE CHAMBER!

No good haunted house is complete without an old fashioned Renaissance TORTURE CHAMBER! I'll admit, creating a fake guillotine raised a few eyebrows, but it was TOTALLY WORTH IT! I actually save up most of my money NOT set aside for world domination for the haunted house. Inside the guillotine is a realistic SEVERED HEAD THAT WILL SCREAM UPON SOMEONE ENTERING ITS SENSORS, BWA HA HA! There should be blood on the walls and a chill in the air (you can just use salsa for the blood, in the dark no one will notice the difference).

2. The HALL OF SCREEEEEEEEAMS!

Every year, I go around compiling the scaaaaaaaariest sounds I can! These include Old Man Johnson's visits to the bathroom, a person's reaction to finding me in the sewer (don't ask), this one friend of mine whose laugh sounds...really freaking disturbing, actually,honk and it kind of freaks me out, and finally, the one barber who for some reason calls himself "Sweeny Todd" and periodically laughs and screams at random intervals.

3. The BATHROOM OF TERROR!

I turned my bathroom into a salsa-spattered mess. If you try to sit down on the toilet, a loud siren goes off.

It's funny.

4. Last but not least, the LITTLE SISTER'S ROOM!

Having a little sister can be hard work. It's actually why I'm so highly valued in the babysitting community. But turning every room into the house can be particularly hard in a room that is...pretty much the opposite of threatening.

So here's what I did. When you enter the room, the door automatically locks. You are then forced to watch a five minute clip of Barney the Dinosaur tuned down a half step and colors inverted. Only after the video is complete can you leave.

That one has actually traumatized some people.

And that concludes my ridiculously expensive, totally awesome and EVIL haunted house that I create every year ON MY OWN! But I don't personally attend it, no. I simply record everything and put the best videos in my compilation. No, I go out into the depth of the night...and I sneak up to a person's doorstep...then I ring their doorbell...and when they answer, MWAHAHAHA, I SCARE THEM INTO GIVING ME FREE CANDY!

_Max..._

Yes?

_Do you even know how Halloween works?_

Shut up, Scarlett.

Anyway, this year I'm going as Lex Luthor. If you're going to dress up for Halloween, do so as a villain. Don't be an Ella. BE ME! Actually, I'd be really flattered if someone made a costume of me! That would make me ONE OF THE MOST EVIL PEOPLE EVER! Or, just be something scary. Spook the neighbors!

Don't let anyone ever tell you you are too old for trick-or-treating. You are never too old. I am sixteen and I still do it. It has been commented by some of my neighbors that it's like I've never aged at all! I took that as a compliment, for eternal youth is a very desirable attribute for any aspiring diabolical mastermind.

Anyway, that is all the advice I have to give for this particular topic. Turning it over to Scarlett now. Not sure how well that is going to work.

* * *

_Halloween, also known as "All Hallows' Eve." The practice of costumes originated from the belief that this particular day was more susceptible to demons and spirits, and ergo wore costumes to scare them off._

_Utterly ridiculous if you ask me. I have bad memories of being forced to participate in this event while I'd much rather study and make observations from afar. The concept intrigues me. Why is it on this day that people choose to give out free candy to anyone who asks for it? What is the psychological reason that we do this? Or do we do it just because it's tradition and ergo the only thing we have ever known?_

_The whole thing dominates the stores, the neighborhoods, nowhere can I go without hearing a canned cackle or a stocked scream that one hears in every horror movie to ever exist. Strangely enough, I have heard an almost identical scream in real life, meaning that this could just be a rather common scream for people of the female persuasion._

Scarlett, you were supposed to give your advice for Halloween, not give an essay on it.

_My apologies. I am not sure whether or not I actually have all that much to say on this. My last Halloween was third grade, where I went as Albert Einstein. It was one of the few times my classmates saw me with my hair down. After that, I just stayed home and didn't give any interest to the whole affair...except for the Reese's that I stole from the bucket periodically and ate in secret up in my room._

_My advice for those at Halloween would be to stay home unless the weather is warm enough that your costumes won't make you freeze to death. Or, if your costumes are warm, go right ahead. But from my experience it is extremely cold and uncomfortable to be out there at most times. Why the holiday wasn't moved to sometime in June is beyond me._

_Do not waste resources on a haunted house, or on any decorations of any kind. Except for maybe something to scare the children away. I put a dead rat on the doorstep and that seemed to do the trick. And that wasn't even the worst I could have done._

_Stay home and eat the candy your parents give out. If you are an adult and live alone, just buy a bag of candy and don't give it to anyone. I see no reason to give that to other people. Do some studying, sometimes teachers can take advantage of the holiday to spring things. One time I was caught off guard by my third grade teacher, and actually failed the quiz._

_I never failed another paper again._

_That is all the advice I have to offer on this topic._

* * *

Well, that wasn't too bad! That will be all from us, and I'll try to make sure it doesn't take me another month to update. I know it's agony waiting for me to write, as my writing style is utter perfection.

Anyway, happy Halloween and see you all later.


	4. Christmas Shopping

It just seems as though life keeps preventing me from updating this damn thing. My apologies, as always for the wait. HA. Not. This is not my top priority at the moment and my sincerest apologies for missing Thanksgiving. But I'm rather glad, as Thanksgiving is a dumb, stinky holiday and the only reason I like it is because of the food. I mean, why would we want to give thanks? It seems pretty pointless to me. Saying "thank you" won't help a person take over the world! It is quite possibly the worst holiday because I do not get presents or candy.

So yeah. Thanksgiving is a terrible holiday and I hate celebrating it.

_Max..._

Yes?

_We live in Canada. We don't celebrate American Thanksgiving. Ours was all the way back in October._

...oh.

* * *

**Christmas Shopping!**

So it appears as though it is December now. Which means that the only thing on anyone's mind is Christmas! Christmas has always been my favorite holiday! So many presents for me! I got my first long-backed chair on a Christmas long ago! As a matter of fact, it has been incredibly easy for my parents to buy things for me. They just have to think about my favorite movies, and my goal of RULING THE WORLD! They've...never actually given me anything that could actually help me conquer the world, but appearances of a super-villain is the most important thing, so I thank them anyway.

But Christmas is a double-edged sword. You also have to..._ugh..._get other people presents. And it is that aspect of Christmas which Scarlett and I will be tackling today. Now, I'm sure all of you would rather be like me and just buy presents for yourself on Christmas and just ignore everyone but your parents and your pet. But sadly, it is "proper" to give other people gifts and it helps to not burn bridges with people in the long run. So we'll be going through how to know what to buy for three different groups of people: relatives you don't really care about, friends, and enemies.

First things first, friends. Just...um...see what's on their wish list and give them it. I'm sorry, I can't come up with an appropriately evil explanation here. I guess not everything in the world can be done "evilly."

...

...

...HA HA, WHO AM I KIDDING? For your friends, feel free to go about doing things in the most EVILLY ROUNDABOUT WAY POSSIBLE! This is my diabolical scheme, in five steps!

1. Buy the item.

2. Ask your friend about relatives they have. Particularly ones that are far away.

3. Look them up and mail the item to THEM so that they have to mail it back! MWA HA HA HA!

4. ?

5. Profit.

And that's that.

As for relatives, just see what's on their wish list and give it to them. I...I have scary relatives who would not appreciate my genious humor. And yes, I know "genious" doesn't have an "i."

As for enemies, well this is obviously the most fun you're going to have with Christmas shopping! Don't be afraid to bring out the BIG GUNS! Things that will make them COWER IN FEAR AT YOUR VERY PRESENCE AS YOU OFFER THEM EVIL SERVED ON A PLATTER! MWA HA HA HA!

First things first, organize your priorities of enemies on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being minor annoyance and 5 being arch-nemesis. My gifts for enemies are as follows.

1. Whoopee cushion!

2. Fresh dog poop!

3. A kleenex.

4. An embarrassing shirt.

5. Marijuana cupcakes! AHAHAHAHAHA!

As for my parents, although I didn't say I had to talk about them, what I would get them if I _could _would be a huge mansion that they can live in by themselves. My dad doesn't like Freckles that much and we're a little...hard-pressed right now? That's why I bravely took a job at a fast food joint to raise more money for us. And once I become ruler of the world, they can have all the riches they want! Not as much as me of course, but still they birthed this conqueror into being and raised him, so that at least deserves something.

So that's all I have to offer here, a little less than usual but still should be enough for your minds. I'll see you all next time.

_You forgot me._

Oh. Right. I'm sorry, you were just being really quiet. I thought you were plotting to kill me or something.

_The day's still young._

Right. *gulp* Anyway, I'll turn this over to Scarlett now.

* * *

_I do not see why we had to have two consecutive chapters about holidays. Perhaps that is the way the updating schedule worked out, but to be frank I want to get this segment out of the way as soon as possible. I have other matters to attend to that are much greater than scale than this silly journal. I found something out that is very curious and potentially world-altering in its secrecy and I'm looking into it, although I'm not really sure if-_

Ahem. You're getting off-topic.

_My apologies. I won't dare mention anything important ever again._

_Now let us dispense with the formalities and get some shit done._

_Christmas is more enjoyable than Halloween, although that is not the particular focus of this journal. Shopping is. I will be examining the same groups of people Max did in a more intellectual, and hopefully more useful way._

_First things, first, relatives. Both of my parents were only children and therefore I have no cousins. I do not particularly care for my brother, and would consider performing more experiments on him were he not still in therapy for the whole "controlling his toys to attack him in the night for six years" thing. Pity, I'd been hoping to try out the experiment where I'd flick the light on and off for hours on end. I heard that it is actually one of the most acute forms of torture out there._

_Moving on. I have no relatives apart from my brother to shop for. Every year for a while after I started the deal I bought him a new remote-controlled toy, pretending to be unaware of his nightly torment and relishing the fear on his face. But after he cracked and went to therapy, this would seem suspicious so I stopped. Now I just give him whatever inconspicuous thing I can think of. I can't afford to be too suspicious._

_I do not have many people that I would consider to be "friends" either. If at all. To those that I deem "fake" friends, I sometimes psychoanalyze them and then "accidentally" provide them with an emotionally triggering item. For example, a clingy and annoying boy had just gotten over breaking up with his girlfriend so I tracked down the girlfriend's perfume, wrapped it up and put her name on the nametag. It was rather amusing to watch his reaction._

_That's one of the tamer ones. I do not wish to put out the more...psychologically disturbed ones like what I did for the kid who'd been attacked by a dog as a child or a former friend with arachibutyrophobia (the fear of getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of one's mouth)._

_As for enemies, feel free to be more direct with your hatred. Do not kill them. It's messy, generally. I know that death would be the best present for them so that the world could no longer be graced with their presence, but sadly no one else will see it that way. Feel free to not even let them know you're giving them a gift and possibly use one of my suggestions during the "pets" chapter, or perhaps elsewhere. If you hate them enough to want them to suffer, give them suffering for Christmas._

_But don't kill them. Please. Like I said in Chapter 1, I don't want to see you at court._

* * *

I'm not even going to bother telling you not to follow Scarlett's advice. Anyway, I WON'T say that it won't take another month, because for all intents and purposes it probably will, but just in case we don't get another chapter out in December, Merry Christmas anyway, you ungrateful sons of bitches.

Now let's get the hell out of here.


End file.
